I recently just aired a ton of excerpts from a psychological evaluation I had in highchool over twitter. I want to organize it and put the contents up here, but first I think I’d like to give you some context first.
I was a special education student. I rode on the honest to god Short Bus. I went in during kindergarten and got out at graduation. I rode the entire length of the New York state special education system. That system (known as BOCES) had me mostly separated into separate schools, though I often went to class with “normal” kids during middle school and highschool. The quality of education still shows. While I think I come off as intelligent and learned, you’ve probably all noticed embarrassingly simple grammatical and spelling related errors on this page. Lack of teaching in those areas let me develop some awful habits like not realizing the difference between “you’re” and “your” until I was into college.
So why was In in BOCES? I misbehaved in Kindergarten. I didn’t listen in class and apparently poored cereal on one kid’s head. At this point, medication was the big rage and my parents were told I had ADD. They chose special education over medication, a choice I wholly agree with. So even though I mellowed out, I was still just naturally a weirdo and that, combined with how long I was in the system made it so it was never quite convenient to take me out of it. Even when it was discovered I had an above average intellect, I was too far behind in too many subjects due to the nature of the special education classes.
That alone though, does not explain this document. That came after an altercation that started on the drama-starter of our day, Livejournal. A psychological bully, whom was also in the BOCES program, would harass me and act innocent whenever I lashed out at him. He was a nice, clean cut, respectable boy and, well, I was me. Tall and bulky, goatee. Long hair, chains. Often dressed in baggy pants and military vests covered in band patches. I would eventually adopt a style that was more like some sort of punk-weeaboo with what looked like denim hakamas and oversized, flowing anime shirts, but whatever. I hadn’t quite transitioned from ‘scary’ to ‘dork’ yet. The bully, who’s last name was Clancy (I can’t remember his first name, but I keep thinking ‘Tom’ for obviously wrong reasons), made a post on Livejournal.
“Michael O’Reilly confided to me that he was gay”.
HOW DARE HE!
The ULTIMATE SLANDER… and with a brevity of word that could have been on twitter! I see this on a school computer and walk into our little private BOCES room, slam open the door and yell “YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD, CLANCY”! Not the best move to make in a school, but to make it worse, Columbine had happened a year ago and people were still on high alert for the next potential killer. So theres me, a scary looking dork who is merely replying in typical male fashion to a slight against his sexual preference. At the time though, it looked pretty bad and I was to have a psychological evaluation. The evaluation was performed in a single meeting with an immigrant psychologist from India, which created issues of language and social norms. Either way, I have in front of me the document he gave to the school after our meeting. I needed some documentation on this for applying for financial aid and decided to comb through it before mailing it out. So here are the tidbits I tweeted from it, along with a little more detail on some of them.
I’m reading the 11 year old psychological report on me from highschool. This is surreal. I certainly confused the hell out of the shrink. D:
Apparently I was into witchcraft and meditation? Guess I had a ‘religion of the week’ thing going on. Look how that turned out. D:
I had religious skepticism at an early age. God and Santa Claus always occupied the same area of doubt in my mind as a kid. As a teenager I decided most of it was nonsense, but could not disregard spirituality in it’s entirety. As a result, I used religious belief as a form of personal expression, treating my beliefs as a philosophical thing, as indications of how I wanted the word to be. Eventually this faded and I just, despite claiming agnosticism, became a de-facto atheist. I think wiccan stuff (which I didn’t even understand at the time) was my earliest attempts at this, before moving on to something that was purely personal.
“Most of the time he is a loner and has difficulty setting realistic goals. At times he becomes verbally aggressive.” Well, that’s spot on.
These days it’s more ‘textually aggressive’, but hey.
“His teacher gave the history that Michael creates imaginary situations to applied reality.” Needs to be a hashtag for tweeting private docs
Stupid shrink, I was rambling insanely about the ASTRAL PLANE not the ASTRO PLANE. What the fuck is an astro plane? The space shuttle?
The astral planes is what I called the heavens, mostly from setting building and roleplaying after school. I think I nabbed the idea from Shadowrun? Either way the worry was I thought this was all reality. This probably stems from stuff like me talking about meditation and the astralplanes.
“When I am with a girl I look for deep purification and sensory enhancement” … Please be short hand for something less insane I said.
“It appears that his girl is only fantasy or available on the internet” ………… :(
Ouch! Clearly he was having a problem understanding me, between my tendency to ramble and his use of english as a second language. Still, I had this big purity hang up when it comes to women. In a lot of ways I was a ‘well meaning chauvinist” until my first real girlfriend. Women were to be pure and protected and safe. I already had the character of Cassara, but she had not come into her intimidating, masculine form yet. I also had lame belief’s that sex wasn’t supposed to be ‘fun’. That it had to be ‘sacred’ or some bullshit. One of my later girlfriends I remember found this very silly and rightfully so.
As for the internet thing, I did have an internet girlfriend at the time. It was awkward and I barely remember our interactions, but she was a real person. Heck, I’m actually friends with her on facebook now. Back then the idea was still pretty damn odd though so I can’t blame him for treating it as something on par with self delusion.
“He knew his home address, telephone number and the composition of his family” Sweet, did I get a gold star for that? :D
On my parents and my behavior: “They don’t get upset. I wreck my room. My 5 year old sister annoys me” She was actually 6 :(
I didn’t have problems with neologisms, I was making a setting, gosh darnit!
The paper mentioned neologisms a lot. He treated them in the psychological sense — words I use that are meaningless to others. In truth, they were meaningless to him. They were words that had meaning to the internet community I was roleplaying with at the time (lol AOL chat). This was a pretty awkward and new idea at the time. I wasn’t even the only one in class who roleplayed online, though I think I was the least ashamed of it.
I’ve actually discarded many of the terms I used with him, but still, the language of a setting and fantasy I think is very important. As a psychologist, looking at someone who was viewed as having a pre-disposition to being “a crazy”, he took it as something psychological.
“When he was asked his hobby, he mentioned he likes to watch tv, mostly Japanese cartoons and space soap operas” … Such a weeaboo. :D
On things I hated: “The elite and pretty. They call me fake and a loser. They appear judgmental. I feel annoyed with authority.” So angry!
It’s amazing how fast this dropped in college. Only in highschool do such petty things seem to matter. Still, I was clearly a pretty grumpy teenager. A grumpy, weeaboo teenager.
“Student was developed and well nourished for his age. He was clean in habit. He had long hair and was wearing a chain made of paper clips”
I think I had a safety pin earring too. I still wear part of my highschool wallet chain (not paperclips). I like being attached to my money.
Goes with what I said above. I was a pretty wacky guy. I’ve kept chains (Never lost my wallet, never lost my keys), but the “earring” went when I almost got into a fight and I got worried about it getting yanked out. Part of this came from the fact that I knew my girlfriend at the time had done that to another girl. How terrifying.
Oh jeez, apparently when someone pissed me off I would curse under my breath in japanese. I was such a little loser! :D
Some of this is about me being delusional that students were conspiring against me. But it was true. One’s mom apologized years later for it
I’m mostly talking about Clancy here. My mother apparently worked with his mom later in life, where she apologized profusely for the torment that her son put me through, well after I was done with high school. I don’t mind that I never got personally vindicated, but I am disappointed no one ever realized that he was some sort of scum sucker. Hopefully he’s turned out well, as highschool brings the worst out of us and is not always representative of who we become.
“I don’t understand why she doesn’t like me. I am a pacifist. She despises my word.” prbly a typo for work, but “Despises my word” is badass
“He described him self as philosophical, looks like a man, interested in psychology and combined total everything” ……… What?
KILL THE INFIDEL. SHE IS A HERETIC. SHE DESPISES MY WORD!
Sometimes I have no fucking idea what I actually said.
A few more… “Astrolplanes and the practice of witchcraft prevent him from getting depressed”
“His affect were somewhat bluned, his smiles were superficial he talked of difficulty sleeping because of too many thoughts at one time”
“I get depressed, suicidal thoughts come to me, but I meditate, I can control my self, non-visual things my spirit can move my spirit 1/4” ?
Same with these. I have no idea what “move my spirit 1/4” was supposed to be. Move my spirit… forth? I have no idea, but clearly I said some stuff he found to be pretty damn weird. I can’t blame him. I think I liked having an audience to postulate insanity at, not realizing there might be reprocussions. I was expressing my identity at the time at him and his interest made it seem like I should keep going. He was probably one of the few people who seemed to be listening to me ever — and that’s because he was, just not for the reasons I thought. He wanted to see what I would do when I was given enough rope to hang my self.
The answer, of course, was to hang my self.
There was a lot more, but it wasn’t sized well for twitter. There was stuff like my naive sexism. Stuff like the huge tome of a novel I wrote, which probably reads like incoherent fanfiction (though it was at least original). There was more on me being suicidal, a short lived, attention seeking phase. Those thoughts disappeared with my first real relationship and never came back. In fact, most of this nonsense died on the spot in college. Highschool, in my memory, feels like some sort of crazy madhouse at a circus, filled with all sorts of wacky mirrors. It seemed to have a natural effect (combined with our age at the time) to bring forth characterless of our personalities.
Either way, I feel good putting this all out there. I feel pretty well off now and happy. Theres a lot more to this story, but it doesn’t involve these pieces of paper. Maybe I’ll get into that someday, but it’d be gratuitous now. A lot of people on twitter seemed to enjoy this — likely because they could relate, I’d guess. It was probably a weird time for a lot of us nerds.
Update 8/4/2011: I received a psychological evaluation, it turns out not only that nothing is wrong with me, but I’m above average in everything. So I’m like, my brain is awesome and I’m just a bum. Sweet!