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Author Topic: They're drowning...!  (Read 4357 times)

Venser

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #15 on: April 17, 2010, 03:48:14 pm »

Also, I'm trained in how to kill sharks and rescue shark victims. You can't just "die" because a shark attacked you. With my bare hands, I can rip the gills of the shark out, which gives the shark about 1-2 minutes before it is no longer a threat. Since the average adult's tissues can survive about 4-5 minutes without air, as long as no vital organs were completely eaten by the shark (impossible due to my highly trained response time), I can easily rescue the attacked individual and perform CPR if they are unconscious. If they are conscious, I don't need CPR.

After this, I simply call 911, and since my phone is a Droid, this improves their response times by about 40%. This makes it exceedingly likely that the ambulance and helicopter will make it in time to provide blood transfusions to save the individual.
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Ybbald: I read that as "deadly venser"
Ybbald: and I was like
Ybbald: "when is venser NOT deadly?"

Arkhanno: We'll have to out-source to the US. I know of a great doctor with lifeguard training that can do anything with a 90% success rate

Evan20k: Sherlock Holmes didn't have 5 arms and 6 penises and lifeguard training

ybbald

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #16 on: April 17, 2010, 03:50:03 pm »

I'm such a freak if I did wind a woman who could put up w/ me, there's no way I'd save my mom over her

and I knew Venser would come in here and save both

ninja'd

lost
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Koppis

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #17 on: April 17, 2010, 04:06:28 pm »

Also, I'm trained in how to kill sharks and rescue shark victims. You can't just "die" because a shark attacked you. With my bare hands, I can rip the gills of the shark out, which gives the shark about 1-2 minutes before it is no longer a threat. Since the average adult's tissues can survive about 4-5 minutes without air, as long as no vital organs were completely eaten by the shark (impossible due to my highly trained response time), I can easily rescue the attacked individual and perform CPR if they are unconscious. If they are conscious, I don't need CPR.

After this, I simply call 911, and since my phone is a Droid, this improves their response times by about 40%. This makes it exceedingly likely that the ambulance and helicopter will make it in time to provide blood transfusions to save the individual.
Well played
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lol

Evan20000

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #18 on: April 17, 2010, 04:12:13 pm »

Well played Venser.

After you grab one, a guy with an M16 in a nearby building riddles the other one with bullets. He then yells out "Problem, Venser?!?".
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Your videos could just be you in a Nazi outfit, shitting into a bucket while doing the can-can and they'd already be miles ahead of Pewdiepie.

Koppis

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #19 on: April 17, 2010, 04:17:26 pm »

After you grab one, a guy with an M16 in a nearby building riddles the other one with bullets. He then yells out "Problem, Venser?!?".
Remember that the bullets hit her brains.
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Venser

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #20 on: April 17, 2010, 04:42:51 pm »

I'm trained in how to perform field surgery and also in how to deal with armed combatants while unarmed. You can't just "die" because there are bullets in your brain. Using my Droid, I would play a crippling high-pitched noise, which I have been trained to be able to act while crippled. The combatant would be crippled, and I would rescue the bullet-riddled victim from the water, then incapacitating the guy with M16 with his own M16 to the kidneys. Yes, that's correct. Shooting someone in the kidneys with an M16 while an eardrum-rupturing noise is playing is the most effective way to incapacitate them, succeeding over 90% of the time.

Once the guy is no longer a threat, I perform CPR on the shot victim, making sure that blood is circulating through their system. After that, I would improvise a surgical implement from nearby driftwood, enabling me to remove the bullets from the victim's brain. Afterwards, I would call 911 on my Droid to schedule a checkup for the victim - with my improvised surgical care, as long as it is within 4-5 minutes of being shot, there is over a 90% chance of survival for the patient. Occasionally, however, I do miss a scrap of metal, and this can be quite annoying when attempting to go through a metal detector; so I let a doctor check over my work just to make sure I didn't miss something. And of course, there is no chance that I wouldn't get to the victim within 4-5 minutes.
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Ybbald: I read that as "deadly venser"
Ybbald: and I was like
Ybbald: "when is venser NOT deadly?"

Arkhanno: We'll have to out-source to the US. I know of a great doctor with lifeguard training that can do anything with a 90% success rate

Evan20k: Sherlock Holmes didn't have 5 arms and 6 penises and lifeguard training

Evan20000

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #21 on: April 17, 2010, 04:56:07 pm »

I'm trained in how to perform field surgery and also in how to deal with armed combatants while unarmed. You can't just "die" because there are bullets in your brain. Using my Droid, I would play a crippling high-pitched noise, which I have been trained to be able to act while crippled. The combatant would be crippled, and I would rescue the bullet-riddled victim from the water, then incapacitating the guy with M16 with his own M16 to the kidneys. Yes, that's correct. Shooting someone in the kidneys with an M16 while an eardrum-rupturing noise is playing is the most effective way to incapacitate them, succeeding over 90% of the time.

Once the guy is no longer a threat, I perform CPR on the shot victim, making sure that blood is circulating through their system. After that, I would improvise a surgical implement from nearby driftwood, enabling me to remove the bullets from the victim's brain. Afterwards, I would call 911 on my Droid to schedule a checkup for the victim - with my improvised surgical care, as long as it is within 4-5 minutes of being shot, there is over a 90% chance of survival for the patient. Occasionally, however, I do miss a scrap of metal, and this can be quite annoying when attempting to go through a metal detector; so I let a doctor check over my work just to make sure I didn't miss something. And of course, there is no chance that I wouldn't get to the victim within 4-5 minutes.
SO. MUCH. EPIC.

I lost so hard.
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Your videos could just be you in a Nazi outfit, shitting into a bucket while doing the can-can and they'd already be miles ahead of Pewdiepie.

Koppis

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #22 on: April 17, 2010, 05:03:13 pm »

I'm trained in how to perform field surgery and also in how to deal with armed combatants while unarmed. You can't just "die" because there are bullets in your brain. Using my Droid, I would play a crippling high-pitched noise, which I have been trained to be able to act while crippled. The combatant would be crippled, and I would rescue the bullet-riddled victim from the water, then incapacitating the guy with M16 with his own M16 to the kidneys. Yes, that's correct. Shooting someone in the kidneys with an M16 while an eardrum-rupturing noise is playing is the most effective way to incapacitate them, succeeding over 90% of the time.

Once the guy is no longer a threat, I perform CPR on the shot victim, making sure that blood is circulating through their system. After that, I would improvise a surgical implement from nearby driftwood, enabling me to remove the bullets from the victim's brain. Afterwards, I would call 911 on my Droid to schedule a checkup for the victim - with my improvised surgical care, as long as it is within 4-5 minutes of being shot, there is over a 90% chance of survival for the patient. Occasionally, however, I do miss a scrap of metal, and this can be quite annoying when attempting to go through a metal detector; so I let a doctor check over my work just to make sure I didn't miss something. And of course, there is no chance that I wouldn't get to the victim within 4-5 minutes.
SO. MUCH. EPIC.

I lost so hard.

This.
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Darth cencored

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #23 on: April 17, 2010, 05:36:58 pm »

Suddenly, your droid is malfunctioned by a nearby exploded EMP!
Then, as if this was COD MW 2, loads of guys run out at you shooting trying to kill you. Your seargant and your comrades are all dead. You are captured almost immedietly and taken to a bald guy with shades. He has two pills in his hand. One is red. One is blue. He asks you to make a choice.
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<< CRF Catgirl Personality Test >>
That isn't assuming I'm a girl, I merely have that sort of personality. I'm quite male thankyou. 76543

Venser

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #24 on: April 17, 2010, 05:48:16 pm »

That story is fake, I'm trained to avoid capture. You can't just get "captured" because all your allies are dead and your Droid has malfunctioned. I would easily grab some sand off of the beach, using it to blind all of the enemy combatants. I'm trained in sand-throwing as well, which allows me to make that maneuver. After all of my enemies are blind for several seconds, I would grab the gun from the nearest one and shoot all of the others in the eyes to make sure they can't see me.

Once the enemy combatants were no longer a threat, I would disassemble the gun that I stole from an enemy combatant, take several parts from it, and recombine them into a specialized tool to fix my Droid. I am trained to do this in 4-5 minutes. Due to my training in disaster aversion, nothing bad could possibly happen in those 4-5 minutes, and my ability to repair malfunctioning Droids works over 90% of the time.
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Ybbald: I read that as "deadly venser"
Ybbald: and I was like
Ybbald: "when is venser NOT deadly?"

Arkhanno: We'll have to out-source to the US. I know of a great doctor with lifeguard training that can do anything with a 90% success rate

Evan20k: Sherlock Holmes didn't have 5 arms and 6 penises and lifeguard training

Evan20000

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #25 on: April 17, 2010, 05:50:30 pm »

As you do that, the guy from the first story with the M16 magically heals himself and guns down the rest of the people with his pocketed PP2000. All 25 of them. Following CoD tradition, you know what that means!

As he turns the key, your droid displays a 10 second countdown. What do you do?
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Your videos could just be you in a Nazi outfit, shitting into a bucket while doing the can-can and they'd already be miles ahead of Pewdiepie.

Koppis

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #26 on: April 17, 2010, 07:05:05 pm »

There is no such thing as magic.
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Dagnarok

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #27 on: April 17, 2010, 07:20:00 pm »

There is no such thing as bioshock.

/troll
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yoshi

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2010, 12:59:16 pm »

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Indeed, my green-skinned prehensile-tongued fellow. Indeed.

Venser

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Re: They're drowning...!
« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2010, 01:10:38 pm »

I'm trained in how to dismantle and take down nuclear weapons. You can't just "die" because your body is ripped to shreds and the shreds are filled with radiation. Using a rock or shell off the beach, I would throw it into the air, hitting the nuclear missile. Due to my training, this has over a 90% success rate at hitting the detonator and disabling the nuke.

Once the nuke had fallen to the ground useless, I would proceed to use my training to disable the nuke within 4-5 minutes, ensuring that even if another detonator was provided, it would be unable to be used.
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Ybbald: I read that as "deadly venser"
Ybbald: and I was like
Ybbald: "when is venser NOT deadly?"

Arkhanno: We'll have to out-source to the US. I know of a great doctor with lifeguard training that can do anything with a 90% success rate

Evan20k: Sherlock Holmes didn't have 5 arms and 6 penises and lifeguard training
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